On loneliness + gratitude
Purpose of article: My hope here is to further destigmatize what loneliness is and who may experiences. Maybe we can inspire each other to consider various forms of loneliness in our communities and how we might do something about it!
I’ll share some ways I’ve dealt with grief and loneliness during the pandemic, while embracing gratitude. I’m not going to tell you that everything is always going to be sunshine and daisies. Healing and growth are rarely linear. However with persistence + determination, that light might shine a lil brighter!
So what is loneliness?
The CDC says it is the “feeling of being alone, regardless of the amount of social contact.” For example, people who are extremely extroverted and have lots of friends can be lonely too. Some of my friends have been surprised to hear that I can feel lonely since I am outgoing (voted friendliest in college, grad RA, community organizer).
From 1990 to 2021, Americans who reported having fewer than 3 close friends rose from 27% to 49%. Loneliness is clearer when we learned that the rates of people who have zero friends today rose 4x to 12% in 2021 from 1990. (Source: Survey Center on American Life)
There are 4 main types of loneliness: emotional, social, situational and chronic.
While there’s been more research on loneliness in older and younger adults, it’s definitely present in the “general” adults population too.
I have experienced and witnessed all 4 types of loneliness. Especially during the time post any ending or transitions (sudden, planned; a move to a new place; end of relationships — platonic/romantic, temporary/permanent; new job, any big change) can spur mixed intense emotions — disruptive, insecure, pessimistic, optimistic etc.
Endings + transitions can feel heavy because of changes to established routines and communities. At times I’ve realized I’ve lived with more reliable structure and routines, but didn’t find joy in them. Imagining new beginnings takes effort, but I believe in you! You can do it!
Throughout the pandemic, I lost a friend quite suddenly. Immediately memories of a previous friend’s death from 5 years ago emerged — a best friend who died of cancer and one that I haven’t and may never fully get over. But my goal now is not getting over an ending, but instead embracing the lessons from that time and integrating them meaningfully into my life now.
Before the pandemic and lots of introspection I would:
- Feel nostalgia before the official end of something
- Project the loneliness that would ensue
- Tears for remembering the peaks of a time, thinking of the past and how I felt a deep connection. I’d hear certain songs and feel a deep welling of emotion — e.g., imagining my best friend and I dancing to a favorite tune.
It’s okay to feel all of the feels.
Here are some ideas you can try if you/others feel loneliness
Try it on your own and/or invite a friend to do any of these with you (find an accountability buddy?)
- Reflect + feel gratitude + celebrate: Sit with your feelings (e.g., loneliness, grief); think of something that you are grateful for from that time period; make a playlist that flows with your reflections. Make an actionable plan on what you want to celebrate now; combine it with something you in your existing routine!
- Embrace Self-Love + thank yourself: Write something you love about yourself, a person, or experience from a previous chapter of your life, something currently, or something you envision for the future. Put that note somewhere you can see it easily — your unlocked phones’ screen, sticky note on your cold brew, etc. Maybe hide notes for your future self to find too?
- Connect with community + thank people: Volunteer (make your purpose come alive!); connect with someone from a different stage of life (e.g., youth, seniors), reach out to someone and share a memory. Spending quality time with someone who you feel understands and accepts you is priceless — just hanging out with more people is not a guaranteed antidote. Some people could even make you feel lonelier (ah!). How might you Marie Kondo who you spend your time with? AKA cut out things that don’t bring you joy anymore.
- Practice more Gratitude: Write a thank you with 1–3 salient gratitudes; consider writing them with humor and celebration; meditate: repeat a mantra every morning while you do something that’s a part of your routine, try Loving Kindness meditation.
- Do something you love to do: Maybe it’s something that you used to do, but don’t do much anymore; maybe something related to an ending. View it in a new light, journal about it.
- Try something new: Say yes to more things for a time, then recalibrate. Ask yourself, “Does that bring me joy?”
- Do something active: Get out of your analysis paralysis and strengthen your body and soul — walk, dance (while yelling!)
- Create some routine: Try something on your own and also with people (try it virtually and in-person) → build community (the pandemic has been especially hard!). Don’t give up on finding the right people who will be additive to your life! How about practicing a morning gratitude exercise and setting an intention for your day?!
- Do something creative: Try it without any goal of the artifact made but instead focused on an intention (e.g., I want to take risks, I want to feel joy, I want to process my feelings!).
- Say it out: audio record/write a letter to someone celebrating some of your favorite moments and learnings (this doesn’t need to be actually sent); create closure — write an obituary for a previous ending, own your narrative.
- Get support — from friends, family, mentors, medical professionals — it’s totally OK and they’ll be happy you trust them enough to ask them.
Maybe there was some nugget in this article that resonates with you? Maybe there were zero. Regardless, I’d love to learn what came up for you!
May you feel purpose + connection.
Love, Monique
